Do people take advantage of you in relationships? Maybe you have a hard time saying “no” or people may simply refuse to accept “no” as an answer from you. These issues might exist across multiple relationships (friends, co-workers, family, significant others, etc.), or maybe just one person in your life really knows how to push your buttons to get you to do what they want. If this sounds like you, chances are you have difficulty setting boundaries for yourself. Many mental health professionals are quick to point out where boundary issues exist, but the gap between recognizing these issues and actually fixing them can be a long and arduous road requiring a good deal of self-reflection and hard work.
If you have trouble setting boundaries, here are 8 steps you can take to start working toward a happy healthier you:
- Determine your needs. You cannot set a boundary if you haven’t defined what you need. What drains you? What energizes you? What are you ok with and what is too much? Where is the line and what crosses it?
- Increase your self-awareness. If aspects of a relationship are leading to feelings of resentment, guilt, discomfort, or burnout- your boundaries are likely off. These feelings can manifest as anxiety, panic, depression, or anger.
- Communicate clearly and calmly. The use of I-statements can be a very helpful strategy for disarming tense conversations. If you feel the need to over-explain or apologize excessively, your boundaries are off. You do not need permission to have boundaries for yourself!
- Be consistent with the boundaries you set, keeping in mind that people will push your limits at first to see how far you will let them go. Standing firm repeatedly will break negative cycles that have been established in the past.
- Start small by setting achievable, lower-stakes boundaries. The more successes you have, the more confidence you will gain for the bigger things.
- Give yourself grace. Setting boundaries will undoubtedly lead to some uncomfortable or awkward situations, but this is a sign of growth. Remember, setting boundaries ultimately isn’t about THEM, it’s about YOU!
- Prioritize self-care. Setting boundaries is a way of protecting your own time, energy, peace, and resources. Saying “no” to others is saying “yes” to yourself.
- Seek a support system. Therapists, friends and family with whom you have a healthy relationship can be instrumental in helping you regain control over your own life. You need supportive people in your life who can help lift you up after negative people try to tear you down for setting boundaries that are best for you.